I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….