Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.