I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.