She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
August 8
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves