Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
You Might Also Like
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
This week’s mood.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.