So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”