Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I need to update my racial profile.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.