Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
You Might Also Like
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked