I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
But I really needed water water water
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?