Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
You Might Also Like
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[shakes fist at other fist]
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
When did white people become such fucking pussies?