CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
He a real one for that
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>