*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up