I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit