I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.