Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
bout dat hot dog summer
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Hero horse inspires millions
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Hitlers gonna hitl
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.