This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.