My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.