[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!