wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks