You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
That’s fair
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Worth remembering.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.