Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
A choir of Spring onions
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“What movie?” 🤔
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*