If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.