Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
This came to me in a dream.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”