I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”