[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt