How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
#milo
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
IT’S-A ME,
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
6. me as a lawyer
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.