Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
me linking you to my twitter
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
bout dat hot dog summer
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.