If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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saw this in a dream
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow