[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.