When someone trying to leave me
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*