Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You Might Also Like
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.