You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.