[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Sing it!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
the three genders
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.