ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Don’t tell me what to do
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis