i actually laughed 😩
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
We avoided this particular disaster
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow