Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo