ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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Seems legit
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal