my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat