My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle