Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Imma just leave this here…………
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.