Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.