I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night