Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question