Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.