[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It鈥檚 so-
Whale: don鈥檛 you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it鈥檚 MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
good work, detective
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine鈥檚 Day, you鈥檒l be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Don’t touch that.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don鈥檛 yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: 鈥ow do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
having a bad day today. 馃様 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who鈥檚 putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance