Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”