[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.