[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
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They must have gotten it to go.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
White Castle for the Win
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus