Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what