My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try